Spring Break!!!

So yeah, it's spring break right now. Three more weekdays with no school. I really should find something worthwhile to do.

Anyway, seeing as how I didn't write anything for Valentine's and Pie/BJ Day I'll do some reminiscing on past loves. Heh...funny how I still remember almost all my crushes since second grade.
Kia Kroas :=: 17 Mar, 2009 12:36:05 last updated: 17 Mar, 2009 12:41:33

First, a note on love.

A short while ago I was reading Scott's AIM buddy info and found an interesting conversation log lodged in there. I don't remember it exactly, but it was something about whether we really love the person, or do we love the idea of the person. I think it's the idea that we love, not the actual person (ignoring the occasional horny endeavors for just the body). As with most things in life, I take a different approach, but here's what I think other people are like.

People love the idea of a person. That's why they get so worked up when that person does something they don't like. It's because it reflects badly on them. It makes them think "how could I have been so stupid". We put our judgment on the line when we choose to love someone, and if/when that someone does something out of the question, then it's a bad reflection on our own judgment and beliefs. And those things run deep into the heart and soul.

It's not just love, it's friendship too. That's how we choose friends (and non-friends), by our idea of them. If this wasn't the case, first impressions wouldn't matter. But first impressions do matter because we might never get to know the real person. To achieve that we'll need to know their past--and that part is often shrouded in mystery. That's what makes it fun. There are also way too many forgotten secrets and whatnot. And lastly, people tend to have too many facades and personality changes over the years for someone to be able to dissect all of them.

Also, I hate to say this, but well, you are what people think you are. It doesn't matter whether they have it right or wrong. Why? Because when you die, that's what stays. Not what you think you were or what you've done but what they think you were and their perception of what you've done. In the end, you don't have the person, you have memories of them. The person doesn't count; the idea of them does. In life, you can deny this all you want. Wait till you die and we'll see who's right. I bet you I am. (I'm not one to emphasize the populace or embrace the popular, but as much as I hate it, to achieve my ambitions, I'll eventually have to gain fame and fortune...one way or another)

So that's my "short" note on love. As for how I approach love, I don't really know. I'm not even sure how I choose my crushes...it just happens, and then after it's chosen I don't really care what sort of nonsense they do, I still feel something for them. It usually subsides after a year or two though.

I don't really keep in contact with most of them anymore. But maybe one day when they're Googling their name, they'll run into this. And then they'll wonder who the hell Kia Kroas is. If you're not them, I'd appreciate it if you skipped this part...not like there's people who read my ramblings anyway...but still...

There are things I regret. But meh, it's a long time ago, and I'm not one to live on regrets. Gotten over them a long time ago. Life goes on.

Kim

I think that's your name. Sorry I've forgotten the last name. You'll probably never read this, but I still remember the promise I made. I'm sorry, but it'll be delayed a while. Things probably changed a lot. It doesn't matter. People drift apart eventually. I don't remember much about you, but would love to meet you again someday.

Annie

I've forgotten your last name, and frankly, I don't really care. You changed a lot in fourth grade. That's all I remember of you.

Diana Xie

All I know is you went to Gabrielino when I went to SG. I don't know anything aside from that. Haven't seen you since what fifth grade? Yeah, hope things are going well.

Ting-Ting Jiang

Last time I saw you was when walking home from school one day. You were with that other Diana. I didn't say anything and just walked off. I really probably should have said something...Oh well. I did hear things about you from the Sol Oriens frat boys. Didn't surprise me, you were always the outgoing, party type. I regret losing your number and address. I would have called and came over during that one summer.

Sinie Dang

You thought I had a crush on Janice, but I never did. I had a pretty good chance too...and I just blew it. I could've asked you out. I should've. Things would've turned out a lot different. I regret letting the chance pass by. (You were kinky. I so would've done you back then.) For the record, I never called you a teddy-bear fucker or pyromaniac or any of that. You hated me because you thought I did. But I didn't stand against it when other people said it either...so I'm sorry. If I had known about your family circumstances and all, I would've stood up for you. Not out of pity, but just because I wouldn't have been so confused. These were the times when I still cared what people thought of my actions. I played into the peer pressure.

It was a tough time...puberty and all. You started hanging out with the bad crowd near the end of sixth grade. By seventh grade I didn't really see you anymore. Heard rumors and stuff: drugs, sex, juvy. Then one day in the summer I read that article you wrote in the 6th grade yearbook. I wish I had read it sooner. You were gone by then. I didn't know what to do. I was stupid then. Still am. If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I really am.

Silvie Lekhac

I don't think you ever found out...but then again it wasn't that much of a crush. 7th grade was a busy year. You're in Senior student council right? And that one sorority? But meh, I'll probably never see you again...so good luck.

Renee Yu

Ah...eighth grade was a good year. Too bad things didn't work out for you and Roger. It's good to hear you're settling down a bit. Not so emotional and depressed. We've drifted apart a lot over the years. (heh, I guess that's a good thing. You were a bad influence.) I still have those bloody razors...with the dried up blood. I still have those sketches you made too--I don't know exactly where they are, but I have them...somewhere.

Michelle Huang

I did like you for a short while. Not really sure when and why I stopped. But yeah...I'm sorry for what I did. I still have that wooden box you gave me after 8th grade graduation. Sorry again. Hope life goes well for you.

Kelly Mark

Heh. Things were awkward for a while, but it calmed down. I think you have a distorted idea of the sort of person I am. I'm not a loner with some social anxiety disorder okay? (Maybe one of the two, but not both.) I do appreciate your care and everything you've done. Thank you. I still think you study too much and work too hard. I get the feeling that you'll be way to busy in college for me--which is fine as long as you have something great to show for it. Stay in contact.

PS. Carl's cool. Go for it. ^-^

Angie Trieu

I didn't really have that much of a crush on you, but I asked you out cuz like three other guys were going to anyway. So I just went for it to test my luck. Lol. As my luck would have it, you rejected before I even got the chance to ask. Damn. Shouldn't have spoken to Jessica that afternoon. Oh well...

Now...

As for these last two years, I'm not sure what to make of it. I do like a few girls, but I'm not really making much of an effort and pretty much just letting them pass by. Then again, I don't think they're interested in the first place...so no harm right?

In retrospect, I probably should have gone out a little more often and get to know more girls, but there's something about people in this school that's just so freaky sometimes. But that's what makes them so intriguing and interesting. So it's really confusing. I don't know what I want.

There's also the partying, drinking, sex, and drugs. Way too pervasive for my taste. They're so open about it too. I'm not standing on some moral high-horse looking down on these people. In fact, I look up to a few of them for doing and being the sort of person I won't ever reach. They've got great chutzpah, limitless audacity, and over confidence that borders on stubbornness. But some also have the us-vs-them mentality and a pretty limited view on others' livelihood. Some are just so easy going and carefree...Gage comes to mind (hmm...I never found out how to spell his name). He admits to being an asshole sometimes too.

I think I understand why some girls go for those types of "bad boys". There's something about their personality that puts you at peace. (...or maybe it's the drugs seeping off their clothes, who knows...) I can see myself hanging out with that type of crowd (because I have for a while, it's hard to avoid) but I don't see myself doing any of that stuff. It's just not me.

Back to the girls. There aren't enough Asian chics in this school to choose from. I'm not racist or anything, (I can't help it if I'm into Asians) but still... Meh, whatever. I'll be back in Southern California next year. I'll be a hobo while everyone goes off to college/universities to pursue academic advances and their dreams.

Ah, college, the days when you're asked who you did instead of what.